Characters: Laugh With Them, Not at Them!

Ace Spandex

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Real name
Aaron Khouri
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Computers 'n' languages 'n'...I dunno...weird junk like that
Species
Terran
Talents
Computers 'n' languages 'n' wei--oh, he's also good at blowing bubbles with gum!
Hyperability
Intelligence skyrockets in relation to technology
Personality
Laid back, likes pop culture
Fears
Firearms
Appearances
History
April 14-20, 9082 parents notice his learning accelerates in relation to computers, so they place him in studies; studies prove he has a hyperability May 1, 9082 switches from regular schooling to hyperability schooling on Gaia April 19, 9103 family gets gunned down in his apartment building lobby due to a malfunctioning security drone; develops a fear of firearms April 30, 9103 enters therapy July 20, 9108 joins the Good Guys
Quotation
"If you're receiving a shipment of napalm, I'd like to know where ground zero is." (from issue 3, Technophobia)

Amaranthia

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Real name
Unrevealed
Faction
No faction
Occupation
Ninja
Species
Terran
Talents
Slicin' up fools
Hyperability
Wait 'n' see
Personality
Wait 'n' see
Fears
Wait 'n' see
Appearances
Character hasn't shown up yet, the lazy crock
History
This character doesn't get out of the house
Quotation
This character doesn't speak

Appetite

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Real name
Your guess is as good as mine
Faction
The Bad Guys
Occupation
Eating, digesting, eating, digesting, eating
Species
Some weird gargoyle species
Talents
See Occupation, also not listening when it's time for walkies
Hyperability
None
Personality
None...almost literally none
Fears
Too stupid for fears
Appearances
History
Nothing was known about this thing until Master Asinine bought it like it was a mail-order bride...and now I can't get that image out of my head...
Quotation
The most it's ever spoken is to slurp up a lamppost
Solo story
Make sure to check out Appetite's solo story!

Appliance

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Real name
Appliance
Faction
The Bad Guys
Occupation
Servant to Mechanism
Species
Robot
Talents
Doing whatever Mechanism asks it to do
Hyperability
None
Personality
Subserviant, yes-man to Mechanism
Fears
None, because it's a robot and robots aren't afraid of man, woman, or beast
Appearances
History
November 10, 9109 Mechanism builds Appliance November 11, 9109 Mechanism regrets building Appliance November 12, 9109 Mechanism wants to shoot himself for having built Appliance
Quotation
"I retire now to shine your boots and think of adorations to write on your 'I Live for Weekends' whiteboard." (from issue 6, Power Tool)

Bloodborne

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Bloodborne

Real name
Ivo Sokolov
Faction
No faction
Occupation
Dolt, Taint's dog
Species
Terran
Talents
None
Hyperability
Able to contaminate people’s blood by thought
Personality
Subservient to Taint
Fears
None
Appearances
History
July 3, 8987 happy birthday, stank knot! May 16, 9025 starts using gala, a hallucinogenic drug December 30, 9030 visits Taint’s drug shelter, high on rocket, a hyperability accelerant; backfire hyperability causes blood poisoning in everyone, including Taint January 9, 9031 is enslaved by Taint; Taint uses Bloodborne to give people illnesses so she can suck their lifeforce and continue to live September 14, 9084 deals with Ice Cream Headache (book 0)
Quotation
"Taint, I’ll get that datasheet, but please, give me a hit. Just one. It’s unbearable." (from issue 0, The Story So Far)

Braindead

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Real name
Nerrgggghhhhhggg
Faction
The Bad Guys
Occupation
Chief bodyguard to Master Asinine
Species
Virillian
Talents
Marksmanship, combat, blank stares
Hyperability
None
Personality
Doesn't speak, is loyal to Lieutenant IQ 23 and Master Asinine
Fears
None
Appearances
History
August 30, 9102 meets Master Asinine and helps form the Mikazin Clan March 18, 9103 helps form the Bad Guys
Quotation
A good old blank stare (from any issue--kinda his catchphrase)

Brick

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Real name
Unknown but people call him Boxy the Boxiest
Faction
The Bad Guys
Occupation
Scientist
Species
Logistican
Talents
Mad sciencing, making freaky awesome gadgets...is that redundant?
Hyperability
Possesses brick-coated skin
Personality
Uses billion-moolah sentences, is intellectual, can make a catapult that launches ice cream into Master Asinine's mouth from eighty yards away
Fears
Using three-letter words if his vocabulary is any indication
Appearances
History
May 31, 9088 is successful in fusing his skin with bricks for the sake of science!! September 1, 9109 accepts a position with the Bad Guys
Quotation
"Mr. Asinine, if apposition has registered suitably, might I promote a subterfuge of discharging our pomme de terre armory upon the space vessel?" (from issue 2, Home Sweet Home Invasion)

Burnout

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Real name
Mark Abends
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Field agent
Species
Terran
Talents
Bodybuilding, keeping his brother Power Plant out of trouble...actually he's not that good at that last thing
Hyperability
Creating/manipulating fire
Personality
Has high-tension, acts with brotherly love toward Power Plant, is overprotective toward Power Plant, is easily angered
Fears
Something will happen to Power Plant
Appearances
History
March 14, 9096 runs away from home with Power Plant, scars his father for physically abusing Power Plant November 6, 9096 arrested for stealing food November 14, 9096 is released from prison but continues to steal for survival; continues to be imprisoned February 1, 9100 is given money by the government to live a straight life April 30, 9100 opens a training gym for hyperabilitied youths July 7, 9101 closes gym due to lack of income; becomes a construction worker July 20, 9108 joins the Good Guys
Quotation
"Jeff, you know what happens when you make up acronyms. Your brain thinks you're spelling and it overheats." (from issue 1, Serial Fiction Sideshow)

Car Alarm

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Real name
None
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Pilot, loudest thing in the room
Species
Robot
Talents
Screaming, hollering, blaring, clattering, waking up the neighbors
Hyperability
None
Personality
By now you know he's just a screaming robot snowman
Fears
None
Appearances
History
September 9, 9109 is built by Power Plant September 10, 9109 starts annoying others
Quotation
Just go outside and listen to a city street...you'll get one of his quotations in five minutes

Franchise

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Real name
Jacob Refensil
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Field agent
Species
Terran
Talents
Cracking his knuckles
Hyperability
Multiplying himself
Personality
Gets involved in Power Plant's pranks, harbors fears for just about everything you can think of
Fears
...we should probably start with what he's not afraid of: puppies
Appearances
History
November 6, 9099 drops out of school due to underperformance, works at his parents' recharge station July 20, 9108 joins the Good Guys September 3, 9108 resumes tutor-based schooling
Quotation
"Every time you screw around with stuff, I end up needing another chemical shower." (from issue 2, Home Sweet Home Invasion
Solo story
Make sure to check out Franchise's solo story!

Harrier

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Real name
Everett Pendleton
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Field agent
Species
Terran
Talents
Being British, overpronouncing his T's
Hyperability
Possessing wings
Personality
Acts too serious for his own good, is OCD about control
Fears
Losing control of situations
Appearances
History
October 18, 9087 joins Intergalactic Protection August 25, 9105 leads a squad into an ambush at Abell 400 in which only he survives January 1, 9107 is dismissed from active duty due to his hypermutation July 20, 9108 joins the Good Guys
Quotation
"Nothing has ended in bloodshed, has it?" (from issue 3, Technophobia)

Ice Cream Headache

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Real name
Hailie MacReynolds
Faction
The Bad Guys
Occupation
Maniac, soldier
Species
Terran
Talents
Streetfighting
Hyperability
Numbing people's brains with ice cream headaches that incapacitate you to incapatication (hooray for repetition!)
Personality
Follower, thug, trying to overcome her position as the only woman on the Bad Guys, trying to overcome her position as the only Bad Guy who has a tasty hyperability with low-fat options
Fears
Lactose
Appearances
History
August 1, 9074 gets first ice cream headache and develops hyperability July 14, 9084 starts robbing banks by freezing people's brains August 2, 9084 media gives her a media name October 3, 9109 joins the Bad Guys
Quotation
"Leave my cone alone leave my cone alone." (from issue 2, Home Sweet Home Invasion)
Solo story
What's going on at the First Bank of Mad Wild Awesome? Find out in Ice Cream Headache's solo story!

Kamikaze

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Real name
Unknown
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Pilot/nagivator
Species
Terran
Talents
Devising cockamamie ways to die and then showing off that talent
Hyperability
Resurrecting, flying
Personality
Has an unhealhty exhuberance for dying
Fears
Absolutely nothing, much to the chagrin of everybody else
Appearances
History
January 14, 9069 drowns in a bathtub but self-revives minutes later, revealing hyperability March 20, 9076 makes first attempt at suicide; begins a lifelong thrill with pain and suicide; thinks everyone dies and returns to life September 18, 9076 begins staging schoolyard suicide for his classmates, charging money for attendance May 27, 9109 joins the Good Guys
Quotation
"Yes, finally my death will come. And how unexpected: the fifth plague." (from issue 3, Technophobia)

Legion

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Real name
Lieutenant Colonel Matross Legion
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Leader
Species
Trioxidillian
Talents
Leading, putting up with Power Plant, making snide comments about Master Asinine, mostly leading...he's cool that way
Hyperability
None and he still pulls off being Legion
Personality
Sacrastic, is a follower of Alaphus, doubts his faith, feels grief over the death of Sopher
Fears
That Power Plant will find out the Good Guys own an oven
Appearances
History
June 30, 9092 joins Intergalactic Protection January 4, 9093 meets Master Asinine February 2, 9093 meets Randall Sopher December 1, 9094 begins hating latent technology September 7, 9102 enters military college July 2, 9106 graduates military college, becomes captain July 20, 9108 forms the Good Guys July 21, 9108 begins wondering if Power Plant will be the death of him
Quotation
"Power Plant didn't pour mayonnaise into the coolant slot again, did he?" (from issue 3, Technophobia

Lieutenant IQ 23

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Real name
Unrevealed
Faction
The Bad Guys
Occupation
Second-in-command of the Bad Guys, gofer, Master Asinine's personal assistant, chainsaw juggler at Master Asinine's request
Species
Terran
Talents
Not chainsaw juggling
Hyperability
None
Personality
Submissive, follower
Fears
Almost nothing since he doesn't think twice as long as Master Asinine says it's okay
Appearances
History
August 30, 9102 meets Master Asinine March 18, 9103 helps form the Mikazin Clan and creates his media name July 19, 9108 helps form the Bad Guys
Quotation
"Sir, I just got a buzz from your automated mailbox. Your Masters of the Universe toy set has arrived." (from issue 2, Home Sweet Home Invasion)

Luzimoss

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Real name
Luzimoss Grennard
Faction
No faction
Occupation
Unemployed bum
Species
Trioxidillian
Talents
None
Hyperability
Communicates with himself in alternate timelines
Personality
Abrasive, suspicious, intolerant of war
Fears
None
Appearances
History
December 14, 9067 Born December 19, 9109 Becomes a target of the Bad Guys
Quotation
"You there, with the fashion nonsense and the guy in the toy robot suit." (from issue 6, Power Tool)

Master Asinine

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Real name
George Lowensland
Faction
The Bad Guys
Occupation
Criminal leader of The Bad Guys, self-appointed minister
Species
Terran
Talents
According to him, everything; also fashion
Hyperability
None
Personality
Stupid, eccentric, lover of teen music, has bad fashion sense, believes in the power of positive thinking when it comes to growing a third eye
Fears
That his plans for creating the first chocolate/chalk empire, Chalkolataria, will never be fully realized
Appearances
History
January 2, 9093 drops out of school January 3, 9093 joins Intergalactic Protection as a private January 4, 9093 meets Matross Legion February 2, 9093 meets Randall Sopher October 7-8, 9094 "helps" stop the Havlic Riots, shoves a cucumber into his right ear April 9-July 9, 9095 serves in the shellshock ward of Intergalactic Protection May 20-27, 9097 becomes a prisoner of war and gets tortured August 30, 9102 meets Braindead and Lieutenant IQ 23 December 4, 9102 kills Sopher and turns against Intergalactic Protection March 18, 9103 forms the McKazin Clan June 13, 9104 renames the McKazin Clan to the Mikazin Clan July 19, 9108 forms the Bad Guys
Quotation
"This device's musical preference is disco, which is awesome because disco is painful." (from issue 3, Technophobia)

Mechanism

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Real name
Unrevealed, but it's probably snooty and ends with "The Third"
Faction
The Bad Guys
Occupation
Soldier, revolutionary
Species
Terran
Talents
Ho boy, don't get him started
Hyperability
None, but that robot suit of his is really boss
Personality
Bold, conceited, judgmental, slightly alcoholic
Fears
Idiots, that his fellow criminals will drink his wines while he's not watching
Appearances
History
June 1, 9070 creates his first Mechanism suit June 1, 9070 congratulates himself for creating his first Mechanism suit June 19, 9070 finishes congratulating himself for creating his first Mechanism suit August 23, 9109 joins the Bad Guys
Quotation
"This is Master Asinine's favorite door. If we destroy it, we return to mandatory breakfasts in suppository form." (from issue 2, Home Sweet Home Invasion)

Momentum

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Real name
Ghiglix
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Field agent
Species
Fleeson
Talents
Being snide, running fast, not being a hit at a party
Hyperability
Technically none (all Fleesons move at hyperspeed)
Personality
Is distrustul
Fears
The dark, but don't let that on
Appearances
History
July 20, 9108 joins the Good Guys
Quotation
"For the last time, it's Momentum. Do I have to home-school you on that word?" (from issue 1, Serial Fiction Sideshow)

Multipurpose

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Real name
Let's not get intrusive here
Faction
The Bad Guys
Occupation
Ninja
Species
Bulbosoid
Talents
Not being a ninja, eating
Hyperability
None but being blubber
Personality
Angry, abrasive, getting exhausted, deluding himself
Fears
A good ninja knows no fear. Lucky for us, he's not a good ninja.
Appearances
History
February 14, 9068 : starts being ridiculed for weight, first claims he's a ninja and begins training October 5, 9019 responds to Master Asinine's job call for a ninja October 7, 9109 joins the Bad Guys
Quotation
"If not for my crocking ninja reflexes and ironlike ninja skin, I could have been injured." (from issue 5, The Genetic Equation)

Null

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Real name
Roger Dodger, or at least that's what Power Plant calls him
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Field agent, doorstop
Species
Terran
Talents
Breathing, drooling, staring
Hyperability
Being in a coma
Personality
He's permantently comatose, sssssoooo......
Fears
None
Appearances
History
None, just...none
Quotation
He's in a coma, so good luck getting anything out of him

Patton

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Real name
Patton
Faction
Intergalactic Protection
Occupation
Brigadier general with Intergalactic Protection, liaison to The Good Guys
Species
Terran
Talents
Commanding, loving sponsor gratuities
Hyperability
None
Personality
Warm, understanding, loves his snacks
Fears
None
Appearances
History
Nothing too important yet
Quotation
"Before we start, my orders are to tell you the new season of Full-Contact Car Tag debuts Monday. Eh. I'm not a big fan of romantic dramas." (from issue 1, Serial Fiction Sideshow)

Pincushion

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Real name
Abioye Kofi Iwu
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Soldier
Species
Terran
Talents
Leading, roof repair
Hyperability
Spiky extensions over his body
Personality
Insomniac, focused, reserved, serious
Fears
None
Appearances
History
January 4, 9064 born with hypermutation of spikes February 27, 9070 parents abandon him at a shopping mall because of his spikes, begins living out of garbage cans June 28, 9090 joins the Mission Beach Police Department on Gaia, passes the fitness test based on all the running he did on the streets, gets a forward on his paycheck July 1, 9090 moves into first apartment August 17, 9095 pulls over a speeding car, driver shoots him through the kneecap, leg is reattached with a low-grade cybernetic knee that squeaks and makes him limp, begins suffering insomnia August 21, 9095 is released from the hospital and from duty May 25, 9109 joins the Good Guys
Quotation
"Hopefully Asinine hasn't set up his hyena catapults." (from issue 2, Home Sweet Home Invasion)
Solo story
Make sure to check out Pincushion's solo story!

Plaster

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Real name
Unrevealed
Faction
The Bad Guys
Occupation
Grunt, oil painter
Species
Terran
Talents
Strength, being a grunt, giving sideways glances, being uggly (notice the extra G in there)
Hyperability
Constantly melting/constantly replenishing skin, superhuman strength and durability
Personality
Abrasive, sarcastic, surly, and we love him for that
Fears
Master Asinine's alarm clock, usually around 5 a.m. to 7 a.m.
Appearances
History
November 17, 9067 kills a classmate and is deemed a juvenile delinquent, is placed in foster homes, criminal programs, and special schools April 1, 9076 runs off and begins a life of crime that includes armed robbery, murder, assault causing bodily harm, drug trafficking, and adopting a kitten without proper paperwork December 4, 9081 arrested July 31, 9082 sentenced to die on December 4, 9082 August 2, 9082 agrees to go through an experiment to cure skin diseases in trade for a demotion of his sentence to life imprisonment September 10, 9083 goes through with experiment, skin goes into a constant-melting-constant-replenishing state, given the media name Plaster March 18, 9103 becomes a founder of the Bad Guys
Quotation
"It's a diabolical plan. He'll use our own sippy cup against us." (from issue 2, Home Sweet Home Invasion)

Power Plant

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Real name
Jeff Abends
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Field agent, diversionary tactics, red meat eater
Species
Terran
Talents
Robotics, making you facepalm and question the human race
Hyperability
Light manipulation (he shoots lasers from body parts)
Personality
Immature, happy-go-lucky, mischievous, not the brightest bulb
Fears
Traffic detours
Appearances
History
March 14, 9096 with brother Mark, runs away from home to escape physical abuse November 6, 9096-February 1, 9100 is arrested multiple times for stealing food July 7, 9101 finds work as a construction worker July 20, 9108 joins the Good Guys mostly to get more access to processed sugar July 22, 9108 adopts the media name Power Plant because, hey, it was as good a name as any
Quotation
"One o' my nostrils is bigger than the other." (from issue 2, Home Sweet Home Invasion)

Reef

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Real name
Silas Reef
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Field agent
Species
Terran
Talents
Putting up with Kamikaze, putting up with Power Plant, putting up with his ex-wife, racketball
Hyperability
Classified
Personality
Alcoholic, sarcastic, leader, dependable
Fears
Losing control of his hyperability
Appearances
History
Classified
Quotation
"Kamikaze, please help me. I'm losing the feeling in my toes and you're turning into an optical illusion." (from issue 3, Technophobia)
Solo story
Make sure to check out Reef's solo story!

Scapegoat

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Real name
Who knows, who cares?
Faction
The Bad Guys
Occupation
Space filler
Species
Terran
Talents
Mixing his words up
Hyperability
Blame magnetism
Personality
Subservience, loyalty
Fears
Not sure if he knows what fear is
Appearances
History
July 19, 9108 becomes a founding member of the Bad Guys July 20, 9108 to present nothing of note
Quotation
"Yes, live me serve to master, yes." (from issue 3, Technophobia)

Schizophrenic

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Real name
Lefty and Righty
Faction
The Bad Guys
Occupation
Head of security (see what I did there? Head? I'm funny), soldier
Species
Terran
Talents
Marksmanship, combat, crocking off those around him
Hyperability
He has two heads...isn't that enough?
Personality
(Lefty) abrasive, sarcastic; (Righty) airheaded, excitable, stupid, clueless
Fears
Lefty is too cocky to have fears and Righty is too stupid
Appearances
History
December 31, 9055 abandoned at an orphanage January 16, 9068 runs away from the orphanage, finds a mobile home, kills its owner (an old man), and lives there, building a petty crime gang that operates out of the mobile home September 18, 9082 found by Grestlix of the Houdin clan and asked to become his personal bodyguard, accepts and kills his crime gang, and then sets fire to his mobile home July 19, 9108 joins the Bad Guys July 21, 9108 kills Grestlix and becomes Master Asinine's bodyguard
Quotation
"Asinine thinks the guy at Space Cow is diabolical because he keeps putting too many onions in his rump burger." (from issue 2, Home Sweet Home Invasion)

Smithereens

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Real name
Cliff Boinette
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Demolitions
Species
Terran
Talents
Making bombs and blowing them up (and a lot of other stuff)
Hyperability
None
Personality
Enthusiastic about explosives, calm in the face of danger
Fears
A guy who works as close to explosives as him doesn't have a lot of fears (but it's clowns)
Appearances
History
May 5, 9068 begins experimenting with chemicals in a science kit he got for his birthday, learns to make explosives October 2, 9076 gets a job doing demolition with a construction company June 1, 9082 begins getting famous for bringing down landmark buildings that were crumbling September 18, 9109 joins the Good Guys
Quotation
"Need something splattered? You know my motto: 'Whatever needs detonating, I'm threatenating,' eh." (from issue 3, Technophobia)

Taint

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Taint

Real name
Lagarnak Preticel
Faction
No faction
Occupation
(current) backfire hyperability ethnic cleanser, (former) hyperdoctor
Species
Logistican
Talents
Medicine
Hyperability
Harvests life energy from physically sick people
Personality
None
Fears
None
Appearances
History
April 14, 8566 born October 1, 8599 discovers her happy hyperability of sucking the lifeforce from people January 6, 9000 enters hypermedicine in college February 9, 9026 begins working at a hyperperson drug-addiction shelter December 30, 9030 is poisoned by Bloodborne's hyperability January 1, 9031 is given a robotic suit to sustain her life and slow her death process January 9, 9031 finds and enslaves Bloodborne; uses Bloodborne to track down people with backfire hyperabilities and suck their lifeforces dry September 14, 9084 meets Ice Cream Headache (book 0)
Quotation
“You don’t carry a poisoned hyperability. You aren’t our concern.” (from issue 0, The Story So Far)

Topsy and Turvy

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Real name
Your guess is as good as mine
Faction
The Good Guys
Occupation
Good Guy receptionists, desk clerks, acrobats
Species
Again, your guess is as good as mine
Talents
Flipping around, being blurry, scaring the crap out of your sense of sight with that orange hair and purple skin and...you get the idea
Hyperability
Check out that color scheme of theirs
Personality
Happy-go-lucky, chirpy, overexcited
Fears
Nothing, those lil' daredevils
Appearances
History
August 14, 9109 joins the Good Guys, but other than that, these guys are a secret
Quotation
"Don't mean to--rain on your fun, but--we should--keep those investors alive, hey hey--until they invest at least some--money in--the Good Guys. Double-flip action!" (from issue 3, Technophobia)